ACTIVE LISTENING

 

Active listening in a coaching relationship simply means “listening and clarifying.”  It is a communication technique that requires the coach to understand, interpret, and evaluate what they hear.

 

When we are active in the process of listening, we’re asking the questions.   We’re not just nodding our heads.  We are participating with the client, actively involved in their unpacking, illuminating, and specifying what they are saying.

 

Active listening is important because as coaches:

 

• We can’t assume to understand everything a client is saying

• What the client means and what I think they mean can be very different things

• If we don’t clarify then we could easily have our judgment clouded and jump to the wrong conclusion

 

So we consistently ask the client to clarify what “x” means for them.

 

As a simple way of remembering, we’ll use the acronym H.E.A.R.

 

H – Hear the client’s words and feelings

 

By this we mean don’t try to evaluate or come to a conclusion about what they mean.  Let them speak, and don’t cut them off.

 

E – Empathize with the client

 

Attempt to put yourself in their shoes.  Paraphrase the facts so that you can understand their position.

 

A – Analyze the client’s words and thoughts and ask for clarification.

 

R – Respond only after they have completed their thoughts.

 

ACTIVE LISTENING TECHNIQUES

 

Note that everything that was covered in the previous section regarding body language and non-verbal communication is part of active listening.  However we will not recap it here.

 

Silence

 

Silence is knowing how to keep quiet, knowing how not to intervene in the client’s “dialogue”, or knowing how not to express feelings and reactions, nor ask questions.

Keyword Repetition

 

One of the simplest techniques is to repeat the last word or group of words, adding to the repetition a questioning intonation, for example:

 

“I’m very careful not to offend people with my lavish lifestyle.

 

“Lavish lifestyle?”

 

Repeating the word shows the client that you are engaged and invites them to expand upon what they mean by their choice of words.

Keyword Questioning

 

In a similar manner to Keyword Repetition, you can use the keyword in a question:

 

“So what do you mean by ‘lavish lifestyle’?”

Positive Reinforcement

 

Offering the client positive, supportive and validating comments.

 

“Wow, I admire your vulnerability”

 

Validation/Permission

 

“I always reach out the hardest case people.”

 

“And sometimes that means you see something amazing that others may not, don’t you think?”

 

When a client is validated, it opens the opportunity for them to explore.

 

Ask for permission

 

When a coach asks for permission, they are respecting the personal space of the client.

 

“May I interrupt?”

 

“May I share my feeling?”

 

Expressing feelings

 

“What you just said was really brave, and it really touched my heart.”

 

This type of sharing encourages the client with support.

 

Expressing Perceptions

 

A coach can express their perceptions and invite the client to respond to clarify.

 

“It seems to me that you are really at peace with your job. Would you say that?”

 

Anytime a coach volunteers a perception, the client is given the opportunity or permission to disagree or to clarify the perception.

 

Metaphors

 

When a coach uses a metaphor, they are briefly interrupting client dialogue with a very short (ideally one or two words) metaphor, image, analogy or popular saying that clearly fits in the client frame of reference.  It implies understanding and helps to clarify.

 

“I feel so overwhelmed.  My employees want overtime.  My boss wants me to cut hours.”

 

“Stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

 

Humility

 

You can use phrases that show that you’re not being presumptuous.

 

“I may be wrong, but…”

 

We’re introducing our perspective, but we’re also empowering the client to consider it and reject it if it doesn’t fit.

 

WHAT ARE WE LISTENING FOR?

 

As we are listening, we’re exploring.  We’re following our curiosity based on the kinds of things our clients say.  In any given conversation, as we listen to our clients, we will hear certain words or phrases that should pique our curiosity.  These keywords and phrases are indicative of something that needs the client’s investigation and attention.

 

Specifically we are listening for:

 

• The client’s perception of an event, themselves, or situations

• Some sort of event that was life altering, defining, or paradigm shifting

• Any kind of emotional reaction

• Any kind of red flag

 

Let’s take a few minutes to read a dialogue so you can pick them out:

 

“So Jack, you’re saying that you want to take steps towards a career move.  Tell me more about what you want.”

 

“I just can’t handle working as a lawyer anymore.  It’s a thankless job.  So I want to get out.”

 

“Okay, that was pretty much to the point. You said it’s a ‘thankless job,’ what do you mean by that?”

 

“Alright.  I went to law school, and I got in to this job to help people.  And I’ve always been committed to that. 

And, at this firm, I’ve helped a lot of people..well, we’ve helped a lot of people.  About 5 years ago, there were some changes.  A new partner came on board, and let’s just say he’s more focused on making money than helping people.”

 

“Go on…”

 

“Before then we actually celebrated victories that we had with our clients.  Now there’s no time to even think about it.  Our client load is double.  It’s not personal anymore.  And I can’t believe my boss stuck his head in my office yesterday and told me that he needed me to come in on Father’s Day.  He doesn’t have kids, so he doesn’t care.  So screw it.  I’m just done with this business.

 

Let’s review:

• The client’s perception of an event, themselves, or situations

  • It’s a thankless job

  • My boss is greedy and doesn’t care

• Some sort of event that was life altering, defining, or paradigm shifting

  • Jack got a new boss 5 years ago

• Any kind of emotional reaction

  • Jack helps his clients

  • Jack celebrated with his clients

  • Jack wanted to be with his family on Father’s Day

• Any kind of red flag

  • Jack wants to quit

 

As fix-it kinds of people, we could read 3 paragraphs and draw some conclusions if we wanted to:

 

• Jack doesn’t need to quit his job; he obviously loves helping people.

• Jack needs to quit withdrawing from his boss and confront him.

• We need to get Jack to another firm that has his same values.

 

Instead, as coaches, we’re not going to look at these things as problems to fix, we are going to look at them as places to ask questions.  As coaches, we’ll visit and unpack these areas so that Jack can weigh in.  

 

What’s really going on here?

 

We aren’t diagnosing, but we are noting the importance of what we’re seeing, and we’re asking questions.  The client stays in control, and the coach pushes them to go to another level to think and address it.