So how do your current relationships stack up to those against these characteristics?  If you’re like most, not really well.  The average person likely has 1 relationship that can pass the test.  And, in all likelihood, most people have zero relationships that can pass the test.

 

This isn’t a time to get down on our perceived lack of real relationships, it’s actually a great opportunity to take needed steps to have the kinds of relationships we want in need.

 

To attain those relationships, we cultivate them, which means I intentionally create an environment so that those kinds of relationships can grow.

 

CULTIVATING THE COACHING RELATIONSHIP

 

Cultivating these characteristics of the coaching relationship means possibly stepping into some scary unknown places for both the coach and the client.  A coach will never see the ultimate success of a changed life until they know the condition of a person’s heart.

 

I like to use the example of fishing.  When you go fishing and the pole starts bending down, the pole is only bending because it’s snagged something.  That something could be anything.  But the pole bending is the result that there’s something below the surface.  Until we go there, it’s anyone’s guess.

 

It’s the heart of a coach to go after things under the surface and to believe in the client enough to take responsibility and choose change.

 

Some ways that we can cultivate this kind of relationship are:

 

Minimize the difference between professional and personal personas

 

As social beings, we learned even in elementary school how to be social survivalists.  We carefully managed our reputations and never took risks so that we didn’t lose relationships or lose face.

 

Even as adults, if you look at an individual’s presence in social media – Twitter, Facebook, etc. – you only see the facet of their life that they are willing to share.  Very little of it is risky.  People will often share what they had for breakfast but not their greatest fear.  They’ll share a photo of themselves at a bar toasting with friends, but they won’t share how most of the night they just felt really alone while surrounded by people.

 

We all look pretty amazing on social media.

 

This will carry on at some level in your coaching relationship. It’s important to note that your clients will only reveal the persona that you will allow them to share.

 

We must stress that there is only one us – not just the professional one, not just the family one, not just the friend one.

 

Take a personal risk

 

Begin cultivating the authentic relationship by sharing the you that you don’t share on Facebook.

 

• Who are you really?

• What are your dreams?

• What have been your fears?

• What have been your failures?

 

This level of sharing will not make you lose credibility.  In fact, it will often give you credibility.

 

COACHING IS INFLUENCE, NOT AUTHORITY

 

In Coaching, we are pursuing influence and not authority.  Why? Because we are after change, and, in change, influence is greater than authority.

 

Here’s an example of how influence is greater than authority:

 

Suppose you were driving down the interstate, and you pass by a state trooper on the side of the road.  Instantly, you remember that you’re not wearing your seatbelt because you generally don’t when you’re wearing a nice shirt.  You snap it on really quickly, but a few minutes later, you see it’s too late:  blue and red flashing lights are in your rearview mirror.  You feel the sick feeling in your stomach, and you pull over as quickly as you safely can.  The state trooper hesitates even getting out of the car which makes your anxiety go through the roof.  When they finally make it to your window, they ask for your license and registration and then ask, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

 

Of course you admit it and give a reasonable reason as to why you forgot to buckle up – “I have a nice shirt on and a presentation today.  There’s really not a good enough excuse, and the state trooper writes you a ticket and then says, “Please drive safely.”

 

Are you going to buckle up?  Of course you are.  You just got a ticket and this guy has the ability of writing another or revoking your license altogether.

 

But here’s another scenario:

 

You pull in to your driveway at lunchtime an hour before your presentation.  Your kids notice that you don’t have your seatbelt on and they start asking you why: “Why don’t you have your seatbelt on?”

And you try the lame excuse: “I have a presentation in an hour, and I don’t want my shirt to be wrinkled.”

And your children respond: “You tell us to wear ours so that just in case we’re ever in an accident we’ll still be around.  The car can be replaced, but we can’t.”

 

And on your way out after lunch, you buckle up despite the fact that you will have a wrinkled shirt for your

presentation.

 

Why?  Because of influence.  This isn’t a guilt kind of thing.  Because of the influence of love from your children you won’t risk doing something that could jeopardize your life.

 

Now let’s think about the state trooper: you didn’t put on the seatbelt because he told you to have a nice day.  You did it out of fear of authority.  But influence can permanently alter the motivations of your heart.

Authority can’t touch your heart.  It can make you obey, and it can seem to make a change – at least while everyone else is looking.

 

But longterm, real, lasting change is always going to happen through influence.

 

If we’re not careful in coaching, clients will just simply give us what we want.  In many cases, they will allow you to tell them what to do.

 

How do we gain influence?  The kids actually leveraged all 6 of the characteristics we described using methods that we will discuss later.  In their discussion with the parent, they didn’t heap guilt, they simply weaved trust, clear communication, transparency, accountability, belief, and vulnerability into 2 simple statements that brought a convincing conclusion:

 

You matter to us.  We love you.

 

And that will bring consistent change in people.